Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
