please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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