Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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