i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
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