If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
