my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
false alarm, still single
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
