Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
