Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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