If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
