Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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