I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
