Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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