You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
