i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
