what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
how does that bad decision feel?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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