When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize