So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize