I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
