i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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