the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
