Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
