you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
