I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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