I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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