Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
