Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
