fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
