I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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