Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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