Tell her she can't have a vagina
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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