Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Barsexuality is the new black.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
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