Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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