when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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