Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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