yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
And then he peed in my hair
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