Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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