I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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