Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
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