We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
