I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize