I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
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