operation harelip BJ is a go
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
