Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
