Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
