Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
