My liver just broke up with me...
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
