God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
