I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
