who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
We are all done wearing pants today
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