Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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