Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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