In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
