I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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