I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
