spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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