why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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