Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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