I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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