before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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