I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
