just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
