I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
