you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Randomize
