the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
