What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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