my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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