I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
