We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
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